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5.22.2011

Biblical Zombies

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The first occurrence of resurrection of the dead in the Bible occurs in I Kings 17:17-22.

In it, Elijah resurrects the dead son of a woman he is staying with.

Elijah is also the only human in the Bible ever to travel to Heaven (in a whirlwind) without dying. See II Kings 2:11.

Elisha, the successor of Elijah, manifests two zombie bears, one of the few wild animals susceptible to zombism. The bears maul some 42 small boys in the town of Bethel. II Kings 2:23-24.

Finally, a dead man accidentally buried in Elisha's tomb is zombified when his body touches Elisha's bones (II Kings 13:20-21). We can be fairly certain Elisha was living dead. A zombie.

The occurrence of zombies late in the Old Testament explains the approximately 400 year chronological gap between the Old and the New Testaments, as much of human kind was fighting zombie hordes and didn't have time to write Biblical stories.

The Romans appear to have gotten things under control around the birth of Jesus, the most famous of the Bible's resurrected dead.

Bible Revelations in Some Chapters

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In Deuteronomy 20:10-18, upon finding the Promised Land and discovering it already populated by people, the 12 Tribes of Israel are ordered by God to enslave or kill everyone.

Interesting.

After 40 years of wandering in the desert, the Israelites had become something of a zealous kill force, obliterating everything in their path at God's behest. If they disobey, God has horrors in store for them (Deuteronomy 28:15-68).

In Judges 19:11-30, while visiting Gibeah, an Israelite priest and his concubine are invited to stay the night in an old man's house. The men of Gibeah surround the house and demand to have sex with the priest. The old man of the house offers his virgin daughter to the men instead, but they don't want her. Then the priest throws his concubine out of the house and the men of Gibeah rape and abuse her all night, leaving her to die on the doorstep of the old man's house.

So what does the priest do? He hacks the body of his concubine in 12 pieces and sends one to each of the 12 Tribes of Israel, so they will get angry and attack Gibeah.

Seems a bit passive aggressive.

But it works and in Judges 20:1-46, the ensuing war kills over 65,000 people.

These were bloody times...

No Rapture? No Zombies...

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Dang it. I was really looking forward to doing battle with legions of zombies for the next five months.

My hopes were lifted ever so slightly when some thunderstorms rolled through this afternoon, but they were meager by apocalyptic standards. No reports of any mayhem beyond the usual and customary from the rest of the planet either.

It's not too hard to imagine a global earthquake, actually. It could be a chain reaction of plate tectonics. We've seen more and more earthquakes in recent years. Bigger ones too. This is thought to be due to some tectonic shifting as a result of polar ice cap melting and releasing potential energy stored in the crust of the earth under the ice. The "Ring of Fire" tectonic plates are all connected and a major quake in one place could trigger more in other places.

But I think it is safe to say, this Rapture was a false alarm. Either that or very few people made the cut. It's kind of too bad. It seemed like it would be a win-win situation. The chosen get taken away to paradise and the remaining humans on earth could then go about creating a Heaven on Earth without all the violence, fear, and hatred put forth by a lot of the religious types.

On the other hand, I would definitely pity God for having to put up with some of those people for all of eternity.

Enough said.

5.20.2011

The Rapture and Subsequent Zombie Apocalypse.

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The Rapture probably isn't coming tomorrow. But I could be wrong.

If it does, those of us who are non-Christians or bad Christians will be left behind to face a very serious problem.

ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE.

You see, during the Rapture, every human grave EVER will open up. The true Christians will float up to Heaven and be reborn. But the remaining corpses will become walking dead. Satan's minions, if you will. And you will.

Those of us still alive will have to survive this massive onslaught of zombies for the next five (5) months until, as the prophecy has it, God will come destroy the earth entirely and we'll all descend into Hell.

I don't know about you, but I think it is kind of exciting. I've always wanted to fight and kill zombies. I just don't want to become one. So I am fairly well prepared. I have been watching a lot of zombie movies the past couple of years. I have a good supply of water and non-perishable food items. Gun + ammo, check!

I don't live near a cemetery either.

Are you prepared?

Visit the CDC's Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness Web Site at emergency.cdc.gov/socialmedia/zombies_blog.asp.

I actually found the zombie survival rules in the film Zombieland very useful, the main one being cardio. I am in good shape to outrun a fast zombie.

It's probably too late for you to get in shape, if you aren't already. But try to get your hands on a decent aluminum baseball bat for a fighting chance against the zombies.

Remember, Jesus wasn't the first zombie who returned from the dead. Lazarus was. Although some people argue that it was a bite from Jesus that turned Lazarus into a zombie. Scientists now think Jesus was one of the rare "carriers" of the virus, who don't get sick and therefore don't convert until after they die. Makes sense, considering the facts as we know them.

OK, have a good Rapture.

5.16.2011

The Year of Living Biblically

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Hi. It's Joe.

I got the book "The Year of Living Biblically," by A. J. Jacobs, at the Lake Mills Library. My excellent GF Caitlin lent me her library card to check it out. I am going to read a bit of it tonight, before bed.

The book was originally recommended to me by a co-worker. I thought it sounded interesting. Now that I am learning about things Biblical, I thought this would be a relatively painless way to get into it.

Don't worry, I am not converting or anything. I'm still just as much of an atheist as ever. But knowledge is power, and so who better to objectively learn about the Bible than an unbiased non-believer, such as myself. I mean, the thing was written for the general 8th grade educated masses, so how hard can it be (setting aside the mistranslations, and what not)?

I also got "Ken's Guide to the Bible," by Ken Smith. It's a bit more irreverent, focusing on the less focused on parts of the Bible (the mass killings, sex, insanity, etc., that you never cover in Sunday school). It's all backed up, chapter and verse, don't worry.

I already read this book once before, but I wanted to read it again and let my GF have a go at it. She can cross reference the Bible to confirm or deny Ken's claims. But it won't be objective, because she is staunchly in Jesus's camp. I have no intention of persuading her away from that camp, either. This is just educational. Learning is never a bad thing.

At one point, this Biblical guy Jacob has an all night wrestling match with God. I totally put my money on God winning that one. But no. He lost. And then blessed Jacob and re-named him Israel.

Weird.

5.13.2011

Are There Green Cards in Heaven?

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I am wired up via my Posterous for Android.

My dad has a green card. He is Australian. My mom is American, so my dad automatically gets a green card.

My girlfriend is Christian and she believes that non Christians and atheists such as myself cannot get into Heaven without accepting Christ.

If it turns out I am wrong, can I still get a green card for Heaven if my spouse is a good and faithful Christian?

It seems a bit cold hearted and anti family to split people up like that.

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