Pages

5.31.2013

Imbalanced

Sometimes I wish that I could win back my staunchly Christian ex-girlfriend. OK, a lot of the time.

But I can't.

As far as I can tell, the reason we broke up was because I staunchly refused to become Christian. That was her "on paper" reason anyway. I certainly was accepting of the religion and learned as much as I could about it. I still am that way. I learned a ton from her and I enjoy reading about Biblical history. I just don't have a devotional (emotional) interest, but rather an intellectual one.

I mean, I guess it's possible that she just lost interest in dating me for all the usual reasons, and the lack of Christianity was an easy out for her to let me down easy. I'm willing to accept that's true. I am also willing to accept that we had a great relationship and were really close soul mates. That's what it felt like anyway. I cared about her unbelievably much. I still do. There are no hard feelings at all, and I would be there for her as a friend if she ever called upon me for help, no questions asked. I have not one ounce of resentment or angst. She is an awesome person and always will be in my heart and mind.

It doesn't really matter though. For whatever reason, we are not together and we never will be. I accept that totally.

But this creates a bit of a quandary for me. She was awesome - creative, fun, caring, compassionate, smart, and pretty. Everything I could want in a partner. Like I said, she might not have felt the same way, and that's neither here nor there.

What matters is that I now have a higher standard for the kind of human being I want to be with romantically. She had it all. Our relationship was one of those relationships that makes every other relationship seem obsolete and uninteresting. We were always there for each other, very supportive and loving. Everything we did together was fun because we were doing it together. We didn't even have sex because she wanted to wait until marriage, and I was totally fine with that. I could not say that about other girlfriends. My friends still don't believe me when I tell them we did not "do it." But that's because our society expects people to "do it." And that's what made her such a great girlfriend. We had an awesome and fully satisfying love without "doing it." We kept each other interested in other ways. We almost never argued, except about religion, and even then it was cosmetic and semantic, at least to me.

So this all sounds like I have not moved on. I have. I am not an idiot. I know I can't have her back and that's just how it is. I leave her alone and she appreciates that. But I am also unwilling to settle for less. I want a partner who has her values, her intellect, her goodness of being, her charm, and her great attitude.

So even though I have been out with other women since then, they just don't do anything for me romantically a lot of the time. They don't interest me. I now know exactly what I am looking for and I accept no substitutes. My dream woman is out there, and she is in most respects a lot like my staunchly Christian ex-girlfriend.

I'll eventually find her. The sea is full of fish.

Until then, I'll wait.

No comments:

Post a Comment