Special Report: No Discernible Rapture Detected by Science on Easter


Scientists studying the planet Earth for signs of a divine Rapture reported on Monday they detected no significant deviations in the Laws of Nature that would indicate a second coming of Jesus.

"We like the measure for this kind of thing on Easter," said Dr. James Frost at MIT. "That is based on the logical hypothesis that Jesus, if He exists as a divine being, might choose the date of His purported resurrection as a good time to return to Earth from Heaven to judge all Mankind. That hypothesis must be rejected, though it doesn't mean He's not coming back. He's Jesus, so He can do whatever He wants."

Scientists have calculated that several Laws of Nature would have to be bent or broken for the Rapture, as described in the Bible, to occur.

"Whether Jesus is God or man or both, He would have to harness the energy of about 15 suns to fully implement the Rapture in violation of known physical Laws of the Universe," Frost said. "And that's not even accounting for protective measures for Earth's mortals, without which most life on Earth would be incinerated."


He Came Back


The first time, He expected more fanfare, but it had been too long. The villagers were terrified and ran to the cathedral praying to God for salvation from the short and swarthy Man from the Sky. When he came into the church, he wondered who the long haired, blue eyed, white skinned man was whose likeness was everywhere, in portraits on the walls, in the stain glass windows, God, was that a crucifixion? Perverse. Who was this false idol? The villagers wept and whimpered, cowering in the corners. He never saw the priest bring the candelabra down, crushing his skull. The next moment, he was back in Heaven, fully restored to his divine glory. "Looks like you had a time," his mother commented, eyeing askance the blood on his leather tunic. She tossed Him a wet towel. "Clean yourself up."